The Secret Trick to Gain the Respect of Others

If you’re like me, complimenting people is difficult.

In a culture that subsists on a steady diet of memes, sarcasm, and irony, creating space to provide specific and heartfelt affirmation can seem like the scariest thing in the world.

“What if it comes off as awkward?”

“What if they think I’m weird?”

“What if they think I’m into them?”

To be sincere, is often to be countercultural. But it turns out, that despite how we may act in order to fit in with the group, most people still like to know that who they are and what they do is seen and appreciated. This takes a willingness to look beyond our own immediate needs and approach a conversation with the other person’s interests in mind. And in fact, if you want to be someone who wants to be influential and to have the respect of your peers, it’s a skill that is well worth building.

It’s a simple principle, but it’s not easy.

In 1936 20th century entrepreneur Dale Carnegie wrote a book entitled How to Win Friends and Influence People. It likely won’t surprise you to learn that his central point is that it is practically impossible to do the latter unless you are earnestly seeking the former.

The only way, he says, to get someone to do something is to get them to want to do it. All else will yield mediocre results at best, and will utterly fail at worst.

The deep-seated yearning in every person to be appreciated for their efforts is the key to obtaining that end. Carnegie observes that “the rare individual who honestly satisfies in others this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of their hand.”

Back in high school, I served on a camp staff team with a program director who was just a few years older than I was. At the end of the week, after the students had left, he made a point to gather the team and go around the room providing specific and thoughtful encouragement to each person on the team. I still remember some of the words that he said, but more importantly the memory of that moment still drives me today. It’s a practice that left a mark on me, and I’ve done my best to integrate it whenever I find myself in positions of leadership.

While it’s important to give affirmation when you’re in a position of authority, it would be a mistake to assume that you don’t have influence without one. You can (and should!) still give compliments and affirm people outside of a corporate leadership structure.

Now that we’ve established the guiding principles, here are some common pitfalls to be aware of:

• Be specific and purposeful. If you overdo it or over-generalize your affirmation, you run the risk of diminishing the value of your compliments. This always reminds me of the How I Met Your Mother episode “The Stamp Tramp.” Your stamp of approval has meaning unless you give it away to things and people without a moment’s thought.

• Pick your time and place. Generally the idea is to “praise in public, criticize in private” but be aware that sometimes a compliment might be best received one-on-one especially if it is quite personal. Remember that giving genuine affirmation is countercultural—people are often not used to that level of kindness and hearing it in front of a group might feel awkward.

• Avoid flattery. Carnegie warns against feigned sincerity to achieve ulterior motives. “Flattery,” he says, “is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.” If you’re going to compliment someone, make sure you mean it. Using other people to get what you want is a one-way ticket to having no friends AND no influence.

While it’s common for people today to claim that “sarcasm is their love language,” I suspect that even underneath that defensive shell is a desire to be appreciated and recognized. Often, we’re not even aware of the things about ourselves that we take pride in, until someone else points it out.

Despite what our irony-reliant society might infer, giving honest and heartfelt appreciation will rarely lead you astray.

Takeaway: If we want to lead a life of influence, we need to become genuinely interested in people.

My name is Brent and I like to talk about ideas and the way that we share them. Thank you so much for reading!

If you learned something today, I’d appreciate it if you’d share this newsletter with a friend. Good ideas should be contagious, so please help them to spread!

If you disagree or have thoughts to add to what I’ve said, please respond and let me know! I’d love to know if this newsletter is helping you think or changes your opinion on any topics that it covers.